My heart feels sad for our little Jonah. Today I watched him writhe and scream as one vile after another of blood was taken from his tiny little arm- seven all together. When he was through, he was absolutely drenched with sweat. These were the first of fifteen tests ordered for our little guy today... and we were promised more to come.
"Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4
This verse has been the source of much comfort for me in the past, but tonight, I don't want it. How is this trial a testing of my faith?
And anyway, I don't want to consider it pure joy. I don't feel any joy, I can't make myself. I am glad that the Lord believes Josh and I are worthy to undergo this trial, but sometimes I'd like to learn lessons without the consequences of actually having to learn.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't it be nice if we were humbled by God but didn't have to face any long-term grief because of our lessons?
And wouldn't it be nice if every bad thing in our life was put there solely to teach us a lesson anyway? I used to believe that. Small, naive little girl that I was. (I think this belief used to drive my mom insane!)
The only thing I can think of right now is that Bible verse about discipline:
"For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and punishes each one he accepts as his child."
(Hebrews 12:16)
Well, I don't know if watching my son go through an illness or battling one myself, watching my children or spouse die, or feeling the pains of starvation... or whatever trial you might want to insert here... would be considered a discipline. Trials? Sure. But are these trials we all face really how we are disciplined? I don't think so.
When my son is disciplined, it is painful for him. His little hot-stuff, puffed-up pride is injured and he is grounded back to reality.
And as much as I'd like to, I just don't think that that kind of discipline is the same thing as him watching his beloved dog die in his arms while he has no idea why. (No, this hasn't happened in real life- yet.)
So what purpose does watching your dog die serve when you are three? What purpose does watching your son/spouse/father die serve when you are old? Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because they test our faith.
"But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold."
Job 23:10
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as
fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious
than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials,
it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus
Christ is revealed to the whole world."
1 Peter 1:6-7
If you are a believer in Christ, you are not being disciplined when something bad happens in your life. You are not being punished for some wrong you know you've done, forgot you've done, or think you must have done sometime way back when. You are precious to our Lord and Savior. More precious than gold, and for some reason he has chosen YOU to purify and refine.
So somehow through your tears and questions and anger I urge you to give thanks. Give thanks to that God who is outside our time and knows the end before our beginning. Give thanks that He has found you worthy, and try hard not to ask why. Our minds cannot understand God's why.
