Friday, October 19, 2012

Anna Vi Gerrels

I had a baby last week. She was small and innocent, but God's breath of life had been taken out of her. She was already home with our Heavenly Father, even before I got to meet her.

We named her Anna Vi.

I will miss her in so many ways. I will miss getting to feel her kick and grow inside of me. I will miss getting to see what color hair and eyes she had. I will miss getting to see what type of personality God blessed her with. I will miss getting to see the man she would have fallen in love with and gaining him as another son in our family. I will miss getting to see her as a mother. I will miss getting to have her as a friend.

But with all this sadness and earthly loss, I am also happy for my daughter. I am so happy that she is already face to face with the King of Kings. I am happy that she has been adopted by the Father of fathers. I am happy that she gets to miss out on the things her earthly parents would have done wrong. I am happy that she gets to miss out on the trials and pain of this world.

I thank the Lord that He has now blessed me with the ability to understand and comfort so many women who have lost little babies of their own. I thank Him that He saw Anna's unformed body and that  her days were ordained for her and written in God's book even before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

Most of all, I thank the Lord for His wonderful peace that passes understanding- such a "church-y" phrase that has come to mean so much to me.

"Walking In the Light"

As I was on my way out of The Home Depot today, a man working there said the strangest words to me. He said, "You are walking in the light." I stepped towards him and said, "Excuse me?" With a smile the man repeated, "You are walking in the light."

What does this even mean!? How can this man even know that I'm a Christian? I had barely spoken to him earlier as I explained that I didn't need any help as another man had already pointed me in the direction I needed to go... and then as I passed him again on my way out the door he makes the strange comment.... I didn't know what to think.

But it's true. And that's what amazes me.

Lately my desire has no longer been to be a good person. My desire has not been to be a good wife or even good mother. I cannot do any of these things in my own power. I am just as human and just as flawed as everybody else in this world.

My desire is to know Jesus Christ. My desire is to have His will revealed to me and to live out the life He has planned for me. My desire is to know and love Christ with all of my heart, soul, and strength; enough so that I cannot tell His will from my own- that we operate as one.

Everyday now I engage in a personal one on one Bible study with my Lord. It is amazing the things He is revealing to me. Everyday I get to talk to Him makes me long to know Him more. I pray that He will lead my life and that He will give me just as much wisdom and discernment that I need to follow Him.

It was nice having a stranger notice something today that I have fervently been trying to do:

Walk in the light.