I Am God

Shocking! Isn't it?

I am reading a book by Michael Fontenot and Thomas Jones called The Prideful Soul's Guide to Humility. I've never been slapped so hard in the face or kicked so many times in the gut as I have figuratively been while reading this book. I am less than halfway through but already feel the need to write a post about it.

Everything is pride. Pride is easy to excuse in one's self because, well... everything is pride.

When I'm at Walmart and see a kid throwing an outragous fit, the thought that immediately goes through my mind is, "What a terrible mother." (Or if the child is with a grandparent or father I think, "Where is that child's mother?") Pride. If that child were in the store with me he or she would NOT be acting like that.

I could go on with numerous examples of pride in my own life... but naturally that would hurt my pride. Instead let me give you a passage from the book I'm reading and you can see a little better what I'm talking about.

Everything is pride.

"What is pride? It is almost always an attitude of self-sufficiency and independence (I can handle this without help" or "I understand my situation better than anyone else"). It is often an attitude of self-righteousness ("I am at least as good as you are, probably better"). It is sometimes an attitude of boastfulness ("Look what I did, and look what this proves I can do"). It is commonly an attitude of superiority ("My intellect is greater, or my looks are greater or something about me is greater"). Pride looks down on others. Pride does not listen well. It is stubborn. Pride is not eager to learn because it is confident in what it already knows. Pride is not quick to admit wrong because it fears it may look bad or lose its position. Pride is competitive and is easily threatened. Pride is insecure. Pride finds it hard to rejoice in the success of others."

Well, I don't know about you, but when I read these lines I feel as low as the ground I walk on. How is it possible to stop those thoughts from racing through my head when I see a screaming kid at Wal Mart? I don't invite the thoughts. I don't have to think about how to develop them. They spring up, usually uninvited. They are the overflow of my prideful, sin-filled heart.

Oh, but then, I go home and invite those thoughts for a fun resurfacing. I dwell on them. I tell others about the aweful kid I saw screaming at the Wal Mart. All the time this makes me feel better about my well-behaved child. But it's not my child at all. It's me. Only me. I am the best thing there ever was! My child would never do wrong, not because he's so good, but because I'm so good.

I did not realize this little habit of mine was rooted in pride. I would have guessed that I was being judgemental (I was). I would have guessed that I was being unloving (I was). But deep down, I guess my passing judgment on another mother having a bad day with a screaming kid is just me feeling better about myself because I am filled with pride.

I am sorry to those mothers.

I am not finished with the book, so I don't know how to be a better person than the embarrassment I already am. But I do know that I can't do it by myself. I do know that I need God to change me. I do know that humility is found at the heart of the cross and that the heart of the cross is found in Jesus Christ. So all I can do is pray. I'll ask forgiveness once again and ask God to fill me up with his spirit. I'll ask for a heart that is more like Christ's so that the next time I go to fill my cart up with groceries I won't just look at the woman with a screaming kid in disgust... instead I might look at her through Christ's eyes. Though I can't pretend yet to know what Christ might see. I doubt he sees all the bad in her that I choose to see... because I pray the bad is not all he sees when he looks at me.

Read the book. It will challenge you. It will remind you that you are NOT a God. It will reveal in you a disgusting human being that you may have forgotten is in need of a Lord. It will reaveal what you may have forgotten: that you are also in need of a Savior.

Five Years, Five Lessons

Tomorrow will be Josh and I's five year anniversary. I stole an idea from another blog and decided to write about five life-lessons I've learned during those five years.

5) God is good. During our marriage I have watched God provide for us time and time again. I believe God has placed us in towns to live in at just the right times. I believe he has given Josh jobs where he is supposed to work at just the right times. I believe he has allowed opportunities to come and go so that we could learn and grow from them at just the right times. God is so faithful to care for those who love him, and he has blessed us far more than we deserve.

4) Save. Neither Josh nor I have been very good about saving money during our marriage, but I am grateful for the little we have. In today’s world it is naïve to assume you are secure in any job, and I believe it is foolish not to have the finances available to both survive for a while without an income and to move if necessary. Twice during our marriage Josh and I have had to survive off savings for as many as three and a half consecutive months. At the end of those months came first and last months’ rents, pet deposits, utility deposits… bottom line- we need to rely on God, but we also need to save. God takes care of and feeds the ants, but they still have to save in order to survive the winter. People as a whole could learn a lesson from those tiny little ants.

3) Our Greatest Gift is Time. I very much enjoyed the time I had with my husband the four (or so) years we were married before we had our children, and now that we have children, I am very grateful for the time we all get to spend as a family. I believe it is more important for Josh and I to “waste” a day by not being productive and instead invest time into our family than to “waste” our day away on a thousand never-ending projects. Yes- there is certainly a need to take care of business and be productive… but in our lives there will always be a car in the garage that could use some work… there will always be a pile of junk that could stand to be sorted and put away… there will always be more dishes to do… but our kids will not always be little. Our kids will not always want to hang out with mom and dad. Someday our kids will be grown and gone, and I do not plan on wasting what little time God has given me with them by always putting family time off for the sake of yet another project.

2) I married the best man I could have ever dreamed of! As children I think all of us women dream of what our husbands might be like someday. I know I did; I used to think about my life after I got married and what it might be like. I would imagine how many kids I might have and how many cats I would love… well, I don’t have myself a kitty right now, but Josh is so much more than I ever dreamed a husband could be. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “…No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.”  I always thought this verse was talking about life after death, but now I think it could also refer to the incredible blessings God gives us right during this lifetime. I could have never conceived a wonderful man like Josh while dreaming as a child… and now I live with the man every day, and still sometimes have trouble conceiving why God would bless me with him in my life.

1) Contentedness is Learned. Oh, how I wish someday I could be like Paul when he said he had learned how to be content during the happiest stages of his life and also during the most trialing. I do not believe I can make that statement yet, but I have learned that contentedness is not a passing feeling that occurs when everything is going our way. In order to be content we have to consciously make the decision to be satisfied with every stage of our lives. I have learned that one way to learn contentedness is through practicing the art of gratitude. I feel much more satisfied with my life when I am tempted to drown myself with worry when I stop and give God thanks for everything that he has given me and my family. I thank him for being so much bigger than me and being able to see the larger picture that I might be temporarily blinded to… and though I am probably not as “good” as Paul, I believe I can say that I have started to learn how to be content in this life.