I Am God

Shocking! Isn't it?

I am reading a book by Michael Fontenot and Thomas Jones called The Prideful Soul's Guide to Humility. I've never been slapped so hard in the face or kicked so many times in the gut as I have figuratively been while reading this book. I am less than halfway through but already feel the need to write a post about it.

Everything is pride. Pride is easy to excuse in one's self because, well... everything is pride.

When I'm at Walmart and see a kid throwing an outragous fit, the thought that immediately goes through my mind is, "What a terrible mother." (Or if the child is with a grandparent or father I think, "Where is that child's mother?") Pride. If that child were in the store with me he or she would NOT be acting like that.

I could go on with numerous examples of pride in my own life... but naturally that would hurt my pride. Instead let me give you a passage from the book I'm reading and you can see a little better what I'm talking about.

Everything is pride.

"What is pride? It is almost always an attitude of self-sufficiency and independence (I can handle this without help" or "I understand my situation better than anyone else"). It is often an attitude of self-righteousness ("I am at least as good as you are, probably better"). It is sometimes an attitude of boastfulness ("Look what I did, and look what this proves I can do"). It is commonly an attitude of superiority ("My intellect is greater, or my looks are greater or something about me is greater"). Pride looks down on others. Pride does not listen well. It is stubborn. Pride is not eager to learn because it is confident in what it already knows. Pride is not quick to admit wrong because it fears it may look bad or lose its position. Pride is competitive and is easily threatened. Pride is insecure. Pride finds it hard to rejoice in the success of others."

Well, I don't know about you, but when I read these lines I feel as low as the ground I walk on. How is it possible to stop those thoughts from racing through my head when I see a screaming kid at Wal Mart? I don't invite the thoughts. I don't have to think about how to develop them. They spring up, usually uninvited. They are the overflow of my prideful, sin-filled heart.

Oh, but then, I go home and invite those thoughts for a fun resurfacing. I dwell on them. I tell others about the aweful kid I saw screaming at the Wal Mart. All the time this makes me feel better about my well-behaved child. But it's not my child at all. It's me. Only me. I am the best thing there ever was! My child would never do wrong, not because he's so good, but because I'm so good.

I did not realize this little habit of mine was rooted in pride. I would have guessed that I was being judgemental (I was). I would have guessed that I was being unloving (I was). But deep down, I guess my passing judgment on another mother having a bad day with a screaming kid is just me feeling better about myself because I am filled with pride.

I am sorry to those mothers.

I am not finished with the book, so I don't know how to be a better person than the embarrassment I already am. But I do know that I can't do it by myself. I do know that I need God to change me. I do know that humility is found at the heart of the cross and that the heart of the cross is found in Jesus Christ. So all I can do is pray. I'll ask forgiveness once again and ask God to fill me up with his spirit. I'll ask for a heart that is more like Christ's so that the next time I go to fill my cart up with groceries I won't just look at the woman with a screaming kid in disgust... instead I might look at her through Christ's eyes. Though I can't pretend yet to know what Christ might see. I doubt he sees all the bad in her that I choose to see... because I pray the bad is not all he sees when he looks at me.

Read the book. It will challenge you. It will remind you that you are NOT a God. It will reveal in you a disgusting human being that you may have forgotten is in need of a Lord. It will reaveal what you may have forgotten: that you are also in need of a Savior.